Saturday, November 19, 2011

I Never Look Classy: Part 4: Thrift Seizure

The first full day of our stay in this humble mansion of ours came with a lack of anything important or significant happening. The sun came up, our eyes opened, we had showers.

Breakfasts were had, eggs were eaten, sleepy eyes were emptied of sand. Somewhere along the way decisions were made.

Outlet stores.

All of them.

Let the bodies hit the floor.

--

Let us take a moment to introduce the players, theDramatis personæ, if you will.

First, we have your narrator, myself, Dr. Erik Q Winchester, Photographizer extra-ordinare.

Second we have Derrick, a tall chap with a iron jaw and a zest for life. To describe him in a word, that word would be "Hard-Boiled."

Third, and kin to Derrick, is Clovis. His real name is a mystery to all but himself and those who gave him that name; in the minds of all others, he is a mystery. A slight man with a sharp wit, in a match of wits you would not be the odds on favourite.

Last, our man Adam, he with the soft spot for soft italian leather shoes and other finery. More on that in a moment.

Some names and locations may have been changed for reasons of hilarity.

--

The grey skies hung low, trapping the humidity close to my skin as we stepped from our chariot and entered the outdoor prominade that served as the beginning of the brick and mortar snake we were about to traverse, an obstacle course of Barginz and Sweet Sweet Dealz.

Our first stop was a Neil Gaiman's "Last Chance Repository" with ROCK-BOTTOM prices. Adam was on a quest for a Hugh Brauss shirt for under Two Hundred of These American Dollars.

Inside was his haven, a Field of Dreams. He found his Hugh Brauss
shirt for the low low price of $180. After a moment, I motioned for him to move in closely as to not cause commotion. Experienced at the "outlet gambit" I informed him that, because of a series of coloured dots, that shirt was actually 30% off of that price. 

Adam stepped back as if thunderstruck.

"So, this shirt is... only $126??" He asked, conspiratorially, checking around for any listeners in.

I nodded solemnly and turned back to a selection of leather wallets I was scoping out.

Adam seemed satisfied, but I later learned that something had overcome him. Something primal.
Dealz.

The stress on Adam was further compounded not ten minutes later when talking to a sales lady about some fine leather shoes he was eyeing. Normally SIX HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS they were on sale for aound $200. The sales lady, whose name is embedded in Adam's brain for all eternity (but I can't be bothered to get it, he's on the other side of the house), the sales lady informed Adam that, if he were to pay today and return just a few days later, on Tuesday... everything he ordered would have an additional 50% taken off the price.

At this point Adam had a Thrift Seizure. He twitched and babbled thanks at the sales lady and with his eyes aflame, fueled the a raging desire for DEALZ, he turned to us. The rest of us three were wary of the look, but supportive. 

Awesome. On sale for $899

When he walked out, he had $1500 of merchandise waiting to be picked up. I won't say the actual cost of the things he bought in REAL 'MERICAN DOLLARS but it was frighteningly low.

--

You hear that Ian?!?!? I got a NEW FUCKING WALLET. Take that!! :)

--

After that we got food at an awesome Mexican restaurant. We returned home with a box of cheap booze and mixed ourselves drinks and threw the football around in the pool. 

We are happy so far. I bid you adieu.

2 comments:

ian said...

It's about time!

ian said...

Did you get a Hugh Brauss wallet?

Is it everything you had hoped it would be?